This is the fourth post in the series telling you about my past. Please check out: Part 1: Where it all Started; Part 2: Exercising Excessively; and Part 3: Not Getting Your Period is Normal?
Yesterday, I left off with telling you that I had reached my breaking point. Josh and I were meeting with the doctor at the fertility clinic. He worked out of Edmonton, which is about an hour and a half drive for us, so we our appointment through video conferencing this time (kind of like Skype). The doctor was encouraging us to consider in-vitro fertilization to get pregnant. As I mentioned in my last post he warned us that it could take 2 years for my body to heal naturally so that I could conceive. In-vitro was not something that we were willing to consider. We really felt that if we were supposed to have kids, we would conceive naturally. I have nothing against in-vitro, and we may have considered this as an option down the road, but at the time it wasn’t for us.
So … my breaking point. We only had a five minute drive home from that appointment. That was all it took. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I had been doing everything that I could to try to balance getting my periods back so I could get pregnant, with staying fit and thin. I was failing at everything. I gave up. I gave it all up. All of these things that I wanted so bad, that had become idols to me. These things that I was putting first in my life, and that I gained my identity from.
Maybe you are spiritual, and maybe you are not, but it is my experience that sometimes we can’t make it on our own (sounds like a Coldplay song!). I needed God big time right about now. I had been trying to control my life and everything in it myself, and it wasn’t working, I was making such a big mess of it. I was trying to control my body to get its’ periods back. I was trying to stay active and fit, but I was slowly working out less and less trying to get pregnant. I wanted to be thin, but I couldn’t control the binge eating. I had to give up the control to God and trust Him to do what was right with my life.
As hard as it was and as much as it hurt, I gave up and gave in. On that five minute drive home, I told God He could have me, my life, and all the problems I was facing. I would give up exercising if that was what it took. I couldn’t commit for two years just yet, I wasn’t ready for that. I was ready to commit for six months. For those six months I would trust God to take control of my life. I wouldn’t worry about getting pregnant. I wouldn’t work out. I would work on listening to my body and getting back to being healthy. I would eat what I wanted to when I wanted to (I am still working on this one!). After the six months passed I would reevaluate and go from there. I could’t imagine not being active for more than six months. I decided to take life one day at a time.
That first week of not working out was hard, but the second week got easier. I got used to my new normal pretty fast. I didn’t obsess as much about getting pregnant, which was pretty huge. I had stopped taking the Estrase and Prometrium pills that doctor had given me to force me to have a (fake) period. I was learning to relax and just be in the moment. Then, something amazing happened. At the end of that first month of not exercising at all, I got my period naturally.
I couldn’t believe it! It seemed too good to be true! I didn’t want to get my hopes up that I would start cycling naturally, so I put them back in God, and trusted he would do what was best with my life.
Not too long after I got my period, we had another video conference scheduled with the fertility doctor. This appointment was booked to review Josh’s test results and discuss our options for in-vitro fertilization. Josh’s test results came back showing some problems. The doctor told us that it would be very difficult, or even impossible for him to father a child naturally. In-vitro fertilization would be our best option.
I was crushed all over again. Just when things were starting to look up, we were delivered this horrible news. Josh was so positive through the whole thing. He reminded me to trust God. One scripture that I held onto during this time, that I think I have mentioned on the blog before is: “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart” -Psalm 37:4. My heart’s greatest desire at this time was to be a mother. I was trusting that God gave me this desire and that he would fulfill it in His timing.
After I got my first period, I had started taking my basal body temperature every morning and charting it. I was doing this to see if I could tell if my body was ovulating or not, based on the change in temperatures. It was my first month of charting and I didn’t know for sure, but it looked like I was ovulating on the chart. Still, over a month had passed and I didn’t get my period again. I think it had been about six weeks since the last one, and I was starting to wonder if maybe I was pregnant. I didn’t get too excited. I had taken so many pregnancy tests that turned out negative. I didn’t have it in me to take another one and hear bad news.
One morning, Josh and I were fighting about something. I can’t even remember what it was about. I was already in such a bad mood, I figured I might as well try taking a pregnancy test since my day could hardly get any worse. I peed on the stick, set it on the counter, and almost forgot about it. When I thought of it, I went back to check on the results, and this happened:
I was pregnant – naturally! The first month after getting my period back. The second month of no exercising! When I put my trust in God He came through for me, even when doctors told us that it wouldn’t happen. I love that during our last meeting with the doctor, while he was telling us we wouldn’t conceive naturally, we were already pregnant!
I caught Josh just as he was leaving the house for work in the morning. We were still fighting and he didn’t really want to have much to do with me at the moment. I told him my news and we just hugged each other and cried (or at least I did!). We were going to have a little miracle baby!
Thanks for reading! I plan on writing a follow-up to this post, talking about where I am now in relation to eating habits and exercise. I also plan to discuss my experience with Hypothalamic Amenorrhea in more depth, including what I did to get my period back!